Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Okay, so this is really just about a few things that drive me crazy, not all of them.

I don't know if I have the breath in my soul to convince you of all the things that drive me crazy...

When my husband thinks he is helping, but is actually hindering, and I can't tell him he is hindering any process because then he will never help again and that means I will forever be enduring his hindering.

People who ride the bumper of my car and flip me off, while my "Baby on Board" sign hangs in the back, and you can clearly see the toys hanging from the car seat of my infant, next to my toddler in the back.

When said bumper rider then speeds around and cuts me off, slams on brakes, ends up at the same light as me, etc etc. What I wouldn't do for a flat tire on their car!!! Kharma, anyone??

People who walk in stores like they drive - right behind you, huffing about how slow you're going, making comments like you can't hear them. People who hit you with their cart because you're going too slow for them.
People who cut you off in a merge lane or an exit lane - I'm sorry, I wasn't exiting fast enough for you?! The ramp says 30 and I'm going 40, but you HAVE to be ahead of me going 50 or 60?

People who talk about you like you can't hear - I took my son to the quarterly trip to McDonald's, and a group of teenagers sits in the area next to us, and starts talking about toddlers and babies (I'm sitting right there) and was saying how gross they are, and how they're so messy, and look at those babies over there, and blah blah.

Shut your pre-pubescent mouths, you little identity-challenged brats! (Ok, maybe I'm overreacting)

Ok, so I'm not much older than them, but still. GROW UP, or shut your mouth. Pick one.

People who let their children do anything, anywhere, even if it's in someone else's home, or going to damage someone else's belongings. This entails a trip to Walmart, where someone has let their child push the cart, and they aren't watching, and their child rams into me, or my cart. Also, when they let their child run crazy through the store and they run into me or my cart, or right in front of me and just stand there. Also, this is when someone lets their child - at church, in the store, etc - come up and take my child's snack and start eating it.
What is up with that?
Most parents are watching, and most are appalled when I remove the snack from their child's hand and tell them NO, that is his snack. I don't let my children eat out of whereever! Why would you? I also did not come to feed the neighborhood! Your kid is hungry = bring snacks.

People who let their kids play with toys in the store, all through the store - teething babies who chew on the toy, little kids who are banging it on the cart - and then they put down the toy back in the store before they leave. You are going to drool up a toy, or dirty it, or break it, buy it!!! I know it's a novel concept, but maybe you should purchase something first! I don't go into someone's home and break things because I don't have to take them out with me afterwards! I don't shoplift!

People who don't put their carts back in the cart corrals. I make my babies come with me to return the cart - rain, sleet, snow - it's going back there, and it's going to teach my children to respect and to be responsible. And to not be lazy. I won't leave them in the car, so they come with me - instead of leaving the cart close to the car, in the guy's parking spot next to me or up by the nose end of the car. It takes five seconds, and my three year old thinks it's fun. Where's the negative side here?

Bugs. All bugs everywhere, ever. They are just disgusting. I don't care if spiders get rid of other bugs, they are the worst. I don't care if they help the planet thrive. They are gross.

Mean kids. Mean, rude, inconsiderate kids. Although I more pity them, and loathe the parents.

Parents who act like their children are so much better than yours, but they have super bratty kids who are spoiled.... I hate that! I know you are proud of your child. Bless your heart. I understand. But for peter's sake, you don't need to be boasting about how awesome your child is while in the background he is pulling books off the shelf and hitting my child with them. Seriously.
Dogs who stick their nose in your private areas.

Dogs who jump on you - with dirty feet, and if they're tiny scratchy dogs. One big jump from a big, cuddly friendly dog is fine with me. And I don't really like dogs, so that's saying something.

Cats who scratch you out of nowhere. What the heck, guy, I was just petting you and now you have your claws in my arm and you're trying to sink your fangy little teeth into my knuckle. See if I touch you again. Ever.

Poop. I hate poop. You hate to admit it, but seriously your life is about poop. Everyone's is. What you're going to make into poop, how it's going to end up...

and especially as a mom, I feel like everything in my life is worry about how everyone is pooping. And what it looks like. I SO hate poop.

Dora the Explorer. I wasn't going to go there, but I have to. Children's television is going downhill, and I know there are a lot of horrible tv shows out there, and really I have to say that Dora is a lot better than a lot of shows out there, but I .... I can't bring myself to listen to her voice without wanting to hit someone. Seriously. The - most - annoying - voice - ever.

Movies about zombies. Let it die, people, let it die.

This media obsession with vampires lately - movies, books, tv shows. Caaaaalm down, people.

You on a Diet - I'm reading it, and right now I can't decide if I'm mad at it, or grateful for it. It tells me something that makes me feel guilty, then something that makes me feel educated, then something that makes me feel inspired, and then the chapter always ends with "and in this book we will teach you..." but I'm already halfway through the book. I'm pretty sure the first 90% of the book is their way of trying to encourage you, by slurring together a hodge podge of motivational bad puns and examples, a lot of cartoony art, some severely scientific evidence on how things work, and then the last chapter has to be where the "Ok seriously, just do this" is at. Because honestly people.... get to the point.
(I'll let you know how this book turns out)
In the meantime, I have managed to stave off the insanity while reading this book while eating a few handfuls of chocolate chips at the same time. That usually does the trick.

The guts in a tomato. Way to ruin the tomato, guts! Bleh bleh bleh get it off my tongue.

Burnt orange colors in sweater form. NO, that's a BAD SWEATER. BAD.

Rants about things that drive me crazy. Oh wait.

Ok that means I'm done. I really really am done. Honestly.

(The wo-mullet... seriously. Why does every woman on Cops have a mullet? The woman mullet? You know what I'm talking about. What hairstylist out there honestly gives that haircut to someone and feels good about themselves? Do you feel like you've done your job? Letting them go into public like that? Way to go. Pathetic.)

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